They have elected a new Pope. But no worries for traditional Catholics, he is just as firmly stuck in the Stone Age as the old Pope.

Courtesy of Mediaite:

The Catholic Church has officially selected 76-year-old Argentinian Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio to succeed Pope Benedict XVI as the next pope. He has taken on the regnal name Pope Francis I.

I have carefully avoided watching ANY of the coverage of this ridiculous event, so I was a little late in hearing the news. Which is just fine with me because I still don't give a shit. 

I mean maybe if the Catholics had appointed some progressive, hip younger Bishop who spoke out against pedophilia, and thought that abortion was nobody's damn business except for the woman, I might manage to get a little excited about it.

But check out the opinions of this new Pope, and see if you can see where they veer off from the LAST old guy in a stupid hat and satin bathrobe:  

On same-sex marriage: The new pope has called gay marraige “a scheme to destroy God’s plan” and “a real and dire anthropological throwback.” In 2010, he was a vocal opponent of the Argentinian government’s proposed legislation to legalize same-sex marriage. 

On homosexuality: Bergoglio is reportedly “unwaveringly orthodox” on such moral issues. 

On abortion: He has rallied his clergy against the “culture of death” that is the pro-abortion movement. 

On contraceptives: The new pope strongly opposed Argentinian President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner‘s efforts to distribute free contraceptives, likely seeing it as part of the aforementioned “culture of death.” 

On same-sex adoption: Bergoglio has called it a form of discrimination against children.

Such a welcoming and loving religion right? Well unless you're gay of course, in which case they essentially go all Westboro Baptist on your ass with their message of "Fuck you, God hates you."

Oh yeah, the Catholic church is essentially stumbling toward progress like an alcoholic Alzheimer patient in a snowstorm. Not likely to get their anytime soon.

I think the sooner these old religious institutions die out the better it will be for the progress of all mankind. 

Update: The priceless Betty Bowers weighs in.